October on the Way!

white-pumpkins

 

Wed:

A tough day to get going. I slept okay, but woke up with back and tummy pain. Probably the diet. Today I am supposed to go to the dentist, yoga, and out for dinner for a friend’s birthday. I wonder if I will make it all.

I was proud of myself yesterday. I went to my bipolar group and really helped out. We had a sub as a leader and he was super nervous. I told him I would keep the conversation going and he wouldn’t have to worry. So I announced I wanted to talk about “guilt” for things we had done while manic. This topic really took off and covered most all of the meeting.

I also had a victory with a friend who just got out of the psych hospital. She used to attend our group about six months ago. I have stayed in touch with her and tried to be supportive. Well, she showed up yesterday at the meeting and really contributed. I was very proud of this.

I saw my CBT therapist also and we discussed me being so tired and having a hard time keeping up. She reminded me I am on a lot of drowsy inducing psych meds and also that I am only eating about 800 calories. She thinks being tired is pretty normal.

I was nice to Danny yesterday and did two loads of laundry for him. He is sick with a bad cold, so I thought I would help out. He tends to not do laundry till he has worn all of his clothes.

Good news! My CBT therapist said she could tell I was losing weight. She said she could see it in my face, tummy, and rear end. Those are all pretty good places to lose weight.

Okay, will be back tomorrow and let you know how I did getting around to things today.

Thurs:

Did make it to the dentist yesterday. Everything was fine there. Still wasn’t feeling too good.

Cheated on my diet with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I just had to have something to chew.

Did a couple more loads of laundry for Danny. He is now caught up.

Did not make it to yoga. Took a nap and saved my energy for going out to dinner last night for our friend’s birthday. I made good choices at the restaurant: a small Caesar salad and a side dish of vegetables.

Got up pretty well today. Have been talking about taking an additional Wellbutrin at one pm or so. Might keep me up a little later and let me sleep through 4 am. Not sleeping till six or so is tough for me.

Today I have: laundry (for me), an eye appointment, going to get more diet shakes, possibly yoga, a bit of sewing, reading, and a shower. Not a big day, but a lot to plow through.

Fri:

Well, went to walk to exercise this morning and it was a beautiful cool day. Bad news is my foot/leg started hurting about 3/4 of the way through the walk. Hopefully, it’s nothing to stop me from walking.

Got my laundry done yesterday and got my diet shakes. Got weighed in and lost 3 1/2 pounds. Have lost a total of about 23 pounds. I have a goal to lose 8 pounds for the next few months. I want to lose two more this month….so this week….since we only have one more week.

Saw the eye doctor and have healthy eyes but they needed some stronger glasses. So I ordered two new pair: one for the computer and some bifocals for every day. I also ordered some bifocal sunglasses on line. I should be in good shape.

Am going out with a friend for breakfast. Looking forward to some real food. Other than that need to iron more quilt squares (I’ll be ready to lay it out tomorrow!) and read my book.

Haven’t had much depression in the last few months. Some anxiety and irritability, but no depression. It’s such a relief!

Sat:

Splurged yesterday at breakfast and had banana nut pancakes. God, were they ever good!

Feeling really good this morning. Got up at 6:30 and was out the door by 7 to hit some garage sales. Found some cute stuff and a new painting for the living room.

Am going to do some light shopping with my daughter, get that quilt laid out (at least partially), get a shower, and have dinner out. All this eating out is hard on the diet. It’s also hard tonight because these people are from out-of-town. The guy is a childhood friend of my husband’s and he has his new girlfriend along. I haven’t met her yet, but I hear she is a manic handful. That’s all I need. Maybe I can offer her some Rexulti.

Sun:

Dinner with the new girlfriend proved to be okay. We went to one of my favorite restaurants and I had a few bites of their yummy carrot cake for dessert. Definitely NOT on the diet. I’m hitting it hard today through Wednesday.

Anyway, I am feeling good but am up at six here writing and have been up since four. I hate this early waking. I even took a Klonopin at 4 thinking it might help me go back to sleep but it didn’t work. I’m a little bummed because I hate going to church sleepy or worst case, missing church and sleeping in. Plus, it’s football today and we’re going to do a little shopping.

The early waking has sort of been a theme and I plan to ask the doc about it. But he is so busy I don’t see him till Oct 22nd! The good news is I feel pretty good, so it’s not like a crisis.

A little update: Went to church and did fine. Actually drove on the way to church. Plan on the football game and then just some rest.

Mon:

Well, our team lost by a mile yesterday, so I have football depression. LOL.

Today I feel like I am getting a little sick. Danny has had a bad cold for a week, so I know where I got it. The GOOD news is I feel fine emotionally. The other good news is that I don’t “have” to go anywhere today, so even if I feel sicker I can just stay home.

I laid out the new quilt yesterday, but one of the cats rolled around on it and messed up the squares. Ack!

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(It looks like utter chaos now!)

So today will consist of messing around with some apps, a little sewing, a shower, and watching the presidential debate. Not a bad day.

Tuesday:

Got up at 5:30 with a dog that needed a potty break. Flipped on the TV and worked on apps.

I feel pretty good. My mood has been fairly stable for this last week or so. I credit the meds and the CBT for this.

Today is simple: get a massage, get a flu shot, mess with the quilt, and go to bipolar support. I invited my friend from there to go bowling with us. I hope she will.

I am angry with myself over my poor showing on my diet this week. I weigh in on Thursday and I’ll bet I have gained a pound or two. I have two days to slow this down, but I don’t know. I want so badly to hit my goal by the end of the year. But it seems that I want to eat more. Really sad. I also am not exercising like I could. I don’t even exercise for weight loss…I do it for stress and depression. No…my weight gain is all about what I put in my mouth.

So on that cheery note, I will leave you all for the week. Overall, I am doing really well. I hope you are too.

lily

Blue Skies

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img_0513Tues:

Today was really a good day. I got a lot done. My husband and I started off by driving a ways out-of-town and going hiking near an Indian ruin. Now I have hiked there before, but always gave up about halfway to the ruins. Today I made it all the way there! I was really proud of myself.

I also did devotionals, got some sewing done, got out a couple of get well cards, read, and went to my bipolar group.

Several of the people in my bipolar group are going to naturopathic doctors. I’ve never been to one. They are on special diets, etc. One girl said she has had no anxiety since getting on her diet. Another is trying to get off of her meds. I have never been to one, but I shrink at the idea of getting off my meds. Frightening.

A couple of people shared about how much happier they are since they’ve gotten a job. Even part time work really seems to help with their self esteem. I know what they mean. But fortunately or unfortunately, I am on both SSDI and private disability. I cannot make ANY money or the private disability goes away. So I guess I will have to get my self esteem in other ways…maybe through volunteering.

So I stuck on my diet and exercised. Today was a normal day.

Wed: (early morning)

Well, it’s four o’clock and I’ve been awake since about two or so. I took a Klonopin to see if it would help me sleep but no luck so far. I’ve been having trouble staying asleep…it’s easy for me to FALL asleep.

I think about all kinds of things when I can’t sleep. Mostly the past. I know my husband thinks about current stresses when he is awake at night, but I don’t. I tend to wander through my past and come up with memories…some good, some bad. Some memories are both good and bad at the same time. Strange!

We are going on a little trip this weekend to see some friends for a couple of nights. I have known these people a long time…she was my maid of honor at my wedding. I used to teach school with her when I first started. I also went to college with her husband. It doesn’t seem like thirty years ago that all this happened.

Things are a little better with Danny. We decided just to do and say nothing about the pot. I think he is relieved. My husband is still not thrilled, but we want him to get through school. He’s new at work and they haven’t been busy lately, but it will pick up soon. I am hoping he’ll get more hours and be busier. It always seems to improve his mood. The good news is: he seems to like both school and work.

Update: Wednesday was sort of a waste. I tried and tried to go back to sleep and finally managed about 6pm. I noticed I was getting a sore throat and a headache. I felt so exhausted that I cleared my calendar for today (Thursday). I didn’t really cancel on anyone….I just rescheduled my CBT therapist and my weigh -in.

Thurs:

It’s kind of a bleary, tired day. Just worn out and have a sore throat. My goals today are to maybe iron some quilt squares and get a shower later. I have a full day tomorrow: a morning walk, my regular therapist, lunch with Danny, and getting my nails done and hair cut. I’ve got to get ready for our little weekend trip. Tomorrow sounds sort of overwhelming.

Apparently I am still in that rhythm of two or three good days, then a tired day.

Update: As the day goes on, I am feeling a little better. I feel like I could probably have gone to my appointments today, but maybe a day of rest is best. I do need to get some laundry done today. I got a good shower and got my clothes ready for my walk tomorrow. I am doing great taking showers. That problem is definitely looking up.

Fri:

Feeling a lot better. I think resting yesterday was the right decision. Today I have a walk, therapist’s appointment, lunch out with Danny, getting my nails done, and getting my hair cut. That’s a big day for me.

I’ve been making good progress on the quilt. Should have it laid out on the floor by next week and can give you all a picture.

Leaving tomorrow for our friends’ house. Not nervous at all at this point about riding up. I plan on driving to my therapist ALONE this morning. Will have to see how I do.

Have developed a bad habit of chewing on my nails till they are very short. Don’t know where this came from (nerves?). Annoying.

On the good news front, I have purchased tickets to TWO different concerts in October. I am very excited to go and just pray that I don’t wake up those days really depressed or something. I have been sick so long am ready to join the world.

Victory today! I drove all by myself to the therapist, out to lunch, and to get my nails done. Really a good day.

Sat:

Had a good drive on our trip yesterday…wasn’t nervous at all. Did take two Klonopin at the beginning of the journey, so that probably helped.

Got to our friends’ house and took a nice walk. Nothing like fresh mountain air. We then went to a college football game at my old alma mater. It sure brought back a lot of memories to see the football field, band, cheerleaders, and players much as it was 35 years ago. Honestly, not a whole lot has changed. Of course, this is a small college. On top of all this fun, everyone in our section won a free chicken dinner at a local restaurant! Woohoo!

We came home and gabbed till I got tired and went to bed at 8. Everyone else kept talking, but it was a pretty full day for me.

Sun:

I just don’t get around like other people. I don’t know if it is the bipolar meds or what.

We got up and took a mile and a half walk. Then we went downtown and sat on a balcony at a restaurant, had drinks, and sat and watch the cars and people below. We then headed for our chicken dinner and back to the house for a pro football game on TV.

After that we out for dinner. I was good…had a little chili and cornbread. I stuck on my liquid diet pretty well, which is almost impossible when you are traveling.

Another night of collapsing at eight.

Mon:

Got up at seven to head back home. Rode all the way and was not scared. (I did take the two Klonopin again.) Made it home safely and collapsed on the couch.

I’m overall doing very well, just get way too tired too early. Went to bed at 8.

Tues:

Ack! Not a good day. Got up and just couldn’t face a shower…I rescheduled my weigh-in. The good news is that according to my home scale I have lost about 2 pounds. I weigh next Monday and hope to be able to add a couple more in there.

I got situated on my couch and made a long list of phone calls, meditating, organizing things, and writing from the couch. So I am getting stuff done. I have to take a shower at noon. I have my bipolar group at 3 and then my CBT therapist at 5. I could skip the bipolar meeting, but my CBT therapist charges me $70 to cancel. My husband would uh “pass” a brick.

I seem to just get exhausted when I take a trip. I need to clear like two days and just do home stuff for those days. I’d love to go to New Orleans, or a European cruise, or even a cruise with the kids (a cheap one), but I just get too exhausted. I wonder if it is me or if it is the drugs. So many people invite us on trips and activities, but I just get overwhelmed. I feel like I am holding him back. Although I have encouraged him to take my daughter to Chicago next summer to see his brother and see the sites. His brother has prostate cancer so it s a good time to go.

Am hoping to lay out my new Christmas/ winter quilt and give a pic of it next week. It won’t be all sewn together, but it will give you the idea.

Thanks for being here and reading.

lily

 

 

Advice Needed

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Check out my Monday entry to see where the advice is needed.

Tues:

Wow…things are weird right now. I want to go to my bipolar group and it is four hours off. I got up at six and got a lot of stuff done. I am now bored out of my mind. I am probably getting a bit hypomanic OR I am just normal and not used to it.

I definitely need to get driving more. Then I could go and do anything I want to and not have to ask my husband. There’s absolutely no reason for me not to drive.

I’m interested to see what this week holds, energy wise. One thing I am trying NOT to do is take Klonopin when I feel uncomfortable. I am using my CBT sheets to write out what is going on and trying to skip the meds. I’d like to get the Klonopin down to a few pills a week and situations like flying or long car trips.

Went to the neighbor’s house for dinner. Actually staying awake enough at night to go somewhere.

Wed:

A rough night. Woke up at 2 and the delicious lasagna my neighbor had made was making its way back up my throat. Grabbed the antacid and one of my shakes and a ton of water. Finally got my stomach settled and went back to sleep. I feel pretty worn out this morning, but have to see the psychiatrist and have lunch with my friend. I have cancelled on her TWICE, so I just can’t do it again.

I’m hoping to feel stronger and make it to yoga today. Am feeling okay emotionally…..a little depressed over having to weigh in tomorrow. I know it will not be good.

Update: Made it to lunch and had a really good time. Klonopin update: took two today….one at 2am in order to go back to sleep and one at 7 pm….just feeling restless and wanted to relax. Need to remember to CBT out my Klonopin usage.

Psychiatrist announced he is retiring in December of 2017. I don’t even want to THINK about finding another doctor. He encouraged me to go every week to bipolar support. I’ve been hitting it about once a month. I’m going to try to get there every Tuesday.

Thurs:

Great morning so far! Got up early and have just been hanging around. Have to go to the diet doctor, do laundry, and hopefully make it to yoga. Not a bad day.

Getting weighed today is going to be a bummer. I just had too many problems with nausea, Metformin, snacking, eating out, and just falling down. My goal is still to lose eight pounds this month….we’ll see how it goes.

Update: Got weighed in and gained half a pound. Not a disaster, but not exactly progress. Today I have (so far) stuck right with the diet and did drink my half-gallon of water. Went to yoga BUT the class was cancelled. Total bummer! Plan on taking a morning walk tomorrow. That would be three walks this week. A bit of progress.

Got home from driving to the cancelled yoga class and felt like taking a Klonopin so I could get a good nap. But I resisted. Am going to try to nap without it or just stay awake. A victory!

Tomorrow I have a walk, trip to the vet, texting a few friends, a call with my devotional partner, getting set up for a small morning get together on Saturday, and entertaining myself while my husband is at poker. Probably sew on that quilt.

I feel like I have a lot of free time, but I don’t want to overwhelm myself. I also don’t want to just fill my days with busy work. I am looking for MEANING! Hopefully, something will come along.

Fri:

Not a big day. Feeling really good. Took dog to the vet. Drove down and drove back. Getting ready for a small Mary Kay party am having tomorrow. I have a friend who is a rabid Mary Kay salesperson. I try to help her out when I can.

Nothing much happening today. Plan on getting a shower and doing a little sewing tonight. Husband will be at poker.

Took NO Klonopin yesterday. Hope to make it with none or one today.

Sat:

Wound up taking one Klonopin yesterday. Not bad. Feeling very good this morning….no problems.

Today is another low-key day. Having that little Mary Kay gathering, possibly going to the movies, and about a half hour of sewing. Need to remember to drive to the movies, not ride.

Lost a pound yesterday according to my scale. I am drinking my 64 oz. of water they recommend. It’s not very hard to do.

I feel very normal…not at all bipolar. A relief. I do feel restless….possible a bit too much medication. Who knows? Also a lot of boredom creeping in.

I am struggling between scheduling more stuff and taking the risk of cancelling…or having not much to do and being bored. It’s always something.

Sun: (9/11)

Have been watching the news coverage of the anniversary of 9/11. Very sad. Hard to believe it has been 15 years. I was watching the news at the kitchen table when it happened. I thought a small plane accidentally hit the towers when my husband first called me. You know, another crazy private pilot off course.

When I realized what was happening, I quickly got my two little ones home from the neighborhood school down the street. My oldest was clear downtown at a ballet school. I sent my husband, who had been released from work.

The strangest feeling for me was being “trapped” where we were. You could not just go to the airport and get on a plane. Nothing was moving.

Very sad as they read the names of those who died. After all this time, still unbelievable.

Mon:

Well, more trouble with Danny. His dad went out to switch his parking pass to our car so we could take his car for an oil change and a tire rotation. He found several vials of pot in the car just sitting out. Danny has a medical marijuana card, so I assume it is legal for him to carry it. He has a prescription label on all these vials.

Danny is doing well otherwise. He is in his junior year at the state university and has a job. He is making music and performing it here and there. I know that drugs is a part of that “scene”.

Danny’s dad, who is violently anti-drug, has been calm about this. I just hope he can be thoughtful and not kick Danny out. Part of Danny’s contract was no drugs or paraphernalia in the house or car (which is actually our car he is using). I really don’t want Danny to quit school over this and I don’t want to see him addicted to pot.

Advice? Do we confront him with his violation of the house contract? Do we throw him out and let him quit school and take the consequences? Do we somehow get him help? Is he addicted? Do we say nothing as long as he is going to school and work? I know a lot of you out there are younger and understand the whole pot thing better. Please help if you can. Thanks.

lily

 

September has Arrived!

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fall-leaves-8Wed:

Cannot believe this is the beginning of September. I am trying hard to live my life one day at a time and to get something out of each day. But the days just fly by.

Am home from our vacation and am exhausted as is usual. I always have a hard time right after we get home. Takes a day or so to get my mind back in shape.

Am supposed to go out with a friend for lunch. I made the mistake of scheduling this for today. It’s too soon after our trip. Don’t want to cancel, but not sure. I don’t know why I put pressure on myself. I need to be kinder to myself. If there is one thing I’d say about bipolar….we don’t need any outside criticism…we do it ourselves.

I’m darn right pissed at myself about exercising. I took two good walks on our vacation, but have not been to the gym or to yoga for weeks. Really disappointing.

Still have a bit of nausea this morning, but am doing better than yesterday. I have been having a few plain crackers on occasion and that helps. According to my home scale, I am losing weight, so I think the crackers are fine. I find just having bits of food really helps get me through this diet. I weigh in tomorrow. I hope I have lost at least a little. It is hard to be on vacation and diet. I found a list of low carb snacks online and plan to get some to help me a little. Just something to chew (besides gum) would be nice. As long as I am losing about two pounds a week….I am good.

Thurs:

Well, it’s September 1st and here we are.

My husband went to the store and got some low carb snacks. I’m going to see if this helps a bit with the liquid diet. Just a few bites of something sounds good. I went on a bit of an eating binge last night…a piece of chicken and some crackers.

I did cancel my lunch with my friend yesterday. I feel like I am slipping sort of backwards on my progress in life. But I know it is a little forward and a little back. I’m trying to stay positive.

I weigh in today. I hope I have at least held my own and not gained. I was on that vacation for four days of the week, so I probably haven’t lost a lot, if any. But at least I am trying.I also see my CBT therapist today. I am going to ask her if we can work on me internalizing things that happen to my children. I am way too wrapped up in their lives. I think this is an overreaction from my mother and absentee father…neither of who cared much about me. My kids are adults now. I don’t need to text them every time they are an hour late coming home from work.

I plan to get out my Fall decorations today and decorate the den and living room a little. This always cheers me up.

Update: Got weighed and gained half a pound. Not sure why…was pretty careful. Nurse said this is normal….will probably drop three or so next week. I know I need to drink more water.

I bought some more low carb snacks. Ate a piece of string cheese with my Metformin. No nausea so far. Got some kale chips. They sound gross, but I will try them.

Fri:

Did not care for the kale chips. Really bad.

Tough morning to get going. Danny was coming in really late and I sort of couldn’t go to sleep till he was home. Slept sort of fitfully. Have a decent day, though. First, off to my therapist, then a bit of good shopping, then a massage. However, this would all be more fun if I was awake.

Drove down to CBT therapist yesterday. The driving is getting easier. I plan on doing the driving today. Sometime soon I plan to get on and off the freeway….just an exit or two. And I need to drive at night. Last night we were out and it was seven o’clock and sort of light and sort of dark. That might be a good time to practice. Remember that my goal by next August is driving anywhere in town, any time of night or day.

Tomorrow I have nothing on my calendar but a walk and some sewing on the quilt.

Trying to stay on the diet totally today, except for a cheese stick with the meds. Maybe some bell pepper strips later.

Sat:

Woke up with a pounding headache and realized I had not taken my morning meds yesterday morning. I am on the couch chugging water, Tylenol, and a Klonopin.

Just an all around crappy day. Headache finally gave up at 5pm. Got snippy with my husband over something…not even sure what. A wasted day, which I really hate.

Went totally off my diet today. A big setback. I did some CBT work on my disappointment in myself.

Sun:

Well, today started off fine. I felt great physically. We didn’t go to church and took a walk instead. So I felt good about exercising. Then things started to deteriorate. I was talking on the phone to a friend when my husband came in and turned the TV on really loud. Then he complained that the dishes weren’t done. (The kids leave a lot of stuff around). So I did the dishes. Then I complained that he had a lot of crap sitting in the dining/living room. Then he complained that I turned on my music in the kitchen while he was trying to watch TV. So it was basically not a good time. Plus, the fantasy football draft is today AND I HATE FANTASY FOOTBALL!

It’s only 10:30 but I have stayed on my diet so far all morning. No cheating.

Oh, forgot to tell you…I’m not seeing either therapist for two weeks. I feel like I am doing well enough right now. That is progress.

Mon: LABOR DAY

Started the day off with a 30 minute walk. I am determined to also get to yoga at least once this week. I feel great today….I even accompanied my husband to get the dog’s nails clipped. Normally he would do all the errands on his own, but I am feeling energetic enough to get out somewhat.

Went off the diet last night. I struggle with hunger after about three o’clock. I need to be more organized and have a healthy snack ready to go. Plus, my family is eating dinner and it is hard. I feel like this has turned into a diet blog, but that is really mainly what I am dealing with now. I am NOT depressed, thank god.

We plan on grilling today for the holiday. My food will be a veggie kabob and some salad. The rest of them are having steak and black bean burgers.

Danny is doing well in school and at work as far as we know. My daughter has gotten on “Match” and is talking to some nice guys. My middle son seems fine. We’re doing pretty well overall. It’s nice.

Tues:

Up bright and early at six this morning. Last night’s grilled dinner turned out really good. My day isn’t too busy…shower, call for a vet appointment, attend bipolar group, and have dinner at the neighbor’s.

Overall, I would say things are going pretty well. I still need to drive more, exercise more, and get stricter on the diet. So I’ve got some good goals for this week.

I hope you all are doing well. Many hugs-

lily

Off to the Mountains

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summer mountains

Wed:

This is a little bit of a tough day. Danny’s car is having some power steering trouble and is in the shop. So everyone switched cars around and I was the one left with no car. My husband is at a business meeting all day, so it’s just me and the pets.

I don’t mind being alone some…there are things I can mess around with. But I don’t feel like sewing today and I’m just tired. I guess I can just hang around and maybe listen to an audio book.

I get weighed in tomorrow at the diet doctor’s. I hope it’s not too bad. My therapist gave me the assignment of writing down every “cheat” I make. It does make me think when I know I have to write it down. She says if I can wait ninety seconds before I eat something I can skip it and move on. I’m not sure she is right.

We have sort of a little party on Friday and then we are going to the mountains for a few days to stay with friends at their cabin. This actually sounds nice….just worried about making wise food decisions. Fortunately I can take my liquid stuff. I just need a bit more courage to stand up to my hunger and wants. I do so love losing the weight.

Update: party on Friday got postponed so I don’t have to worry about food at that. I have taken a shower, unloaded and loaded dishwasher, and sewn a bit. Doing well all alone. Could not have stayed alone before.

Thurs:

Got up and things were good. Went to diet doctor. Have lost 10.5 pounds in three weeks. Came home and immediately ate a piece of bread….LOL. Did a little shopping. Came home and plan to do a little paperwork and then take a nap. Doctor said when I am on vacation, I can do shakes for morning and lunch and then a TINY bit of dinner if I want it. Or I can stick with the shake.

Feeling great other than guilty over lack of exercise.

Bad afternoon: Had a couple handfuls of potato chips and some crackers. Am really craving carbs. I need to stick with this diet…I am doing so well weight-loss wise.

Fri:

Sort of a boring morning. Woke up at 4, had a shake and flipped on the news. Slept off and on till 7.

Husband was in a cranky mood, so I left him alone. I was talking to him and he wasn’t responding….just looking at his phone…I hate that. I am more important than anything on a phone. I am really good about this. If someone talks to me, I look up and chat back. I never ignore someone and look at my phone. Rude!

We are leaving tomorrow for the mountains. It doesn’t take me long to pack so I’ll wait till the morning.

Anyway, today was sort of a bust so I decided to declutter the den and living room. I moved a lot of junk out of there and now it looks a lot better. The rooms look ready for some Fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorations. Can’t believe it is that time already.

Plan on taking the older two kids out for dinner tonight. Did go out and I had grilled chicken and vegetables. Very good.

Sat:

Woke up at 4. Had a shake, turned on the news (again) and went back to sleep.

I feel pretty good this morning. We are driving up to the mountains today and I have to pack and get ready. Also want to get a shower. A little nervous today about riding up in the car- there have been lots of storms and heavy rains on the road up.

Update: Made it up here with some fear on the ride. Took a Klonopin and got really tired. Had a few extra food items today: apple slices, handful of nuts, very small piece of pork roast, and 2 baby carrots. That probably doesn’t sounds like a lot, but it tasted wonderful. I am seriously trying to avoid carbs. My husband and hosts had cheese, crackers, wine, roast, potatoes, bread with butter and apple pie. It was pretty hard to resist all of that food, but I did my job.

I did walk a mile for exercise. That was good news.

If I can only keep up this level of eating, I can maybe lose a couple of pounds this week. Worst case is that I stay even.

I don’t feel depressed, just exhausted.

Sun:

Was proud of myself for staying up last night and watching a movie with my hosts. So I was basically up from 6am- 10pm. That is a long day for me and not something I would have been able to do a year ago.

It’s a beautiful morning here, just about 40 degrees. The pines and sunlight are gorgeous. We’re heading off to church in an hour or so.

After church we had a great lunch outdoors. I had a healthy salad, so did well there. Came home and took a long nap. Got up and played Chinese checkers. They all watched a movie and I fell asleep.

Mon:

The three of them are off to museums in a neighboring town. I am here sitting with the dog. The dog is sort of spoiled but is pretty cute and friendly. Has to go out about every two hours.

Staying home at the cabin is fine with me. Gives me a quiet day of reading, napping, and enjoying the peace. I really got into my book about a woman with bipolar called Loud in the House of Myself by Stacy Pershall. I really like biographies.

When everyone got back, I took a short walk and watched a movie. Then went to bed and did some listening to my book.

Tues:

Have a dicey stomach this morning as I write this. Why am I nauseated? Try a liquid shake with a handful of psych meds. I just HAD to have more in my stomach, so we stopped at a McDonald’s on the way home. I chose the lowest calorie breakfast item they had: a sausage burrito. They were out of diet Coke (how can a McDonald’s be out of diet Coke?) so I had diet Dr. Pepper instead. So I threw all of this in my stomach. Ugh! Plus getting jiggled in the car….

I am losing weight on this diet, but still struggle with nausea and diarrhea. Fortunately, the headaches and abdominal pain have gone away.

Having lunch with a friend tomorrow. Planning on watching TV tonight and hitting the sack early.

That was my week! Thrilling, huh?

love,

lily

 

Rolling Along

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wagonWell, we shall see what this week brings:

Wed:

I went to the regular doctor to get my cholesterol med refilled. According to her scale I have lost 8 pounds in two weeks. I get officially weighed in tomorrow so we shall see. I have to stay on the diet firmly today.

My regular doctor is all over the Optifast diet. She says as I lose the weight, we will see my blood sugar and cholesterol just go down and down. She was really nice.

In the past, I have cried in her office due to my bipolar….and today I was nice and calm. I was very proud of myself. I think the CBT is helping.

Thurs:

Woke up in a good situation. Only a very light headache and no tummy troubles. I am fasting for a few hours till I get my blood drawn at the diet doctor. I also get weighed in. Will be interested to see how much weight I have lost. This has been a tough week on the diet trail.

Danny went to his new job orientation last night. At the last minute, he finds out he needs his social security CARD, not just the number. So we flipped our files upside down and came up with a color copy of it. They took this. Jeez! I don’t even know where my card is.

Today is his first day back to college. We are all on pins and needles to see how it goes.

I feel pretty good mentally today and I know it is because I feel decent physically. It’s hard to be enthused when you have a headache, diarrhea, a sick stomach, and are starving. I’m hoping that the attractive thing about this Optifast is that you lose weight fast.

Today’s plans are sort of basic: diet doctor, CBT doctor, and laundry. Tomorrow’s plans are even better: nothing! Well, I’ll probably come up with a few things.

Okay, official weigh in: 7.5 pounds in 2 weeks. As I write this in the afternoon, I am feeling much better physically.

Fri:

Have my weekly support call with my friend in a few minutes. Woke up and it is really a good morning so far. No headache or tummy troubles.

My husband and I were talking yesterday about how my losing this weight could change my life. I think it is true. There are just so many positives to getting it off. I’m in a better place with it right now….food sort of looks good, but my stomach is too small to hold very much. I do eat a few pretzel nuggets here and there. They give me something to chew.

This Monday I am having lunch with my best friend from high school. The food will be a challenge. I think I might order half a sandwich and try to eat some of that. Maybe some turkey.

I need to get driving again. I was doing pretty well, but this last week since I have felt sick from the diet I have slacked off. I also have slacked off on exercise, so I know what I need to get done this week.

Danny had his first shift at work last night. No word yet on how it went. Thank god that kid is back in school.

I feel good mentally. Like I am in control and can handle most problems. The CBT has made a big difference for me. I might get down, but I can get right back up again fairly fast.

Today I am not doing much but a few errands. I plan to drive. I’ve got some quilting work to do. Hopefully, just a nice low-key day.

I am very proud of myself for sticking with this diet through the tough part. It’s easier as it goes. I pray the weight keeps coming off.

Re: above…I did drive all around on some errands. I want to keep driving with husband in the car and then next week start driving around on my own.

Sat:

Cheated a bit on the diet. Ate a few mini-peppermint patties. But boy, they sure tasted good!

Got up and feel really good. Watching the Olympics. Looking forward to a really low-key day. Don’t think I will go anywhere…I have a few easy things to do around here.

Went to the department store and got my facial routine stuff. Men have it lucky. I got some exfoliating stuff, some cleanser, night and day moisturizer,  and a gentle weekly peel. There are all kinds of other things: eye and face serums, more peels, more expensive creams, you name it. But I have a good start and I can give it all a try as this was one of my goals for this year.

Moving along on the Christmas quilt. Will put a picture up soon. (I’m sure you men can’t wait!)

Was lazy today and did not take my walk. This is not good as I am feeling better physically. I need to get back to the exercise.

Hope to get to church tomorrow.

Sun:

Got up and felt really good…no headache. Went to the early church service and then stopped to see my husband’s uncle in a nursing home. We had a nice visit, but I started starving and needed to get home. I rushed in the door and had my shake, a few pretzels, and a jello cup.

I am starting to get excited about losing some weight. This will be my third week weigh-in on Thursday. It’s sort of fun to see where I am. My first test comes up tomorrow as I am having lunch out. I am also a little nervous about my stomach eating real food. I just plan on taking it slow and not eating too much. But I am determined to get used to going out and not letting the diet dictate my social life.

I plan on cleaning out some drawers, etc. in my bathroom and getting a shower. That’s about today. I feel normal. Thank god.

Drove to church and the nursing home and back home. Doing better on driving.

Mon:

Slept really well and had a breakfast of a shake and lemonade. Nervous about driving alone to have lunch with my friend.

Feeling very normal and good. Not high at all, just capable.

Ate a tiny brownie, probably going to hell. I need to really get serious and not cheat on this diet. As they say “I am only cheating myself.” We leave Saturday for a visit to some friends and I know the food is going to be a challenge. I just plan on taking my shakes and doing the best I can.

Note in the afternoon: Drove all alone to lunch with friend….did fine. Need to keep driving alone for another two weeks and then plan a short stint on the freeway with husband in the car. Also good news: Danny reports he likes his new job. Relief!

Tues:

Still cheating mildly on diet…not excited to get weighed in on Thursday. Am going to talk to therapist about it today.

Daughter was rear ended this morning. No damage to her or the car. Very lucky.

Love you all…see you next week:)

lily

Goals: A Year Away

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goal

So a couple of weeks ago I got depressed over some of the stuff in my blog. A year ago in August and then TWO years ago in August, my life had not changed much. Sort of two wasted years.

So my talk therapist said “Let’s make a list of goals…how you would like your life to look next August?”

I worked on the list and this is what I came up with so far:

-taking physical health issues in stride using CBT (no crying at the doctor’s).

-taking some classes in things to improve or learn new skills: quilting, line dancing, bowling, cooking. I am hoping to find some healthy/ diabetic cooking classes so I could entertain people with a dinner party, etc.

-starting a face/ skin care routine

-going to the vast majority of parties and events I am invited to

-rarely cancelling on an appointment or social activity

-losing 50 pounds (8 pounds a month)

-going on a major trip (New Orleans)? Using CBT to help with fear of flying

-driving around town freely, including freeways and at night

-learning to use the DVR’s in the den and bedroom

-only using Klonopin prn

-get financial info from husband: how to handle checking, retirement accounts, pension, disability, etc.

-3 sessions of 45 min walking per week (treadmill or neighborhood)

-2 yoga classes a week

-volunteer once a week somewhere

-do more one-time things at church, such as dinners or volunteer work

-try three new spas

-dress up more when going out of the house

-staying alone as long as needed without calling husband because I am nervous

That’s what I came up with.

Thurs:

Well, today is a big deal! Danny has a job interview this afternoon. I am really hoping he gets it. If he does, we will have him settled in two areas: school and work. The third area is finding him a place to live. (Our house is his temporary landing pad, but we are all hoping for an apartment somewhere.)

Went to the diet doctor and lost 3 pounds. Wished it was more but it is a start. I have 20 days to lose another 5 to hit my goal of eight per month. I have been cheating here and there with bread and peanut butter, but I am really hungry. Just keep plugging along I guess.

Fri:

Good news! Danny got the job! He starts next week. Whew!

Feeling pretty tired this morning. Not depressed, just worn out.

Saw my CBT therapist yesterday. We decided I need to get practicing on the driving more. I am doing really well on riding without fear. I plan on driving a couple of places ALONE in the next few days.

Sat:

Am absolutely starving! I am ready to chew my arm off. My doctor on this liquid diet says 70% of people have no hunger. Well, I must be in the 30%. My husband says the real issue is my med, Rexulti, which causes hunger and weight gain. I feel a little overwhelmed with the whole thing. But I am just desperate to stand on that scale next Thursday and have lost 2 or 3 pounds. I’m allowed to have chicken broth and that helps.

Our upstairs air conditioner is out. So we are all camping downstairs. I am happy as a clam on my couch. It will take a few days to get the parts to fix it. Thank god fans were invented.

I am going to a meeting at church today. A good sign that I am feeling better.

Had a friend over to watch more Olympics last night. One of my goals for next August is a skin care routine. This friend sells cosmetics at a department store and I like one of the brands there. So I’m going in Tuesday to add a product or two to my skin. It certainly could use it. I’ll just start using it a bit and gradually build up. It’s a good goal.

I thought of a new goal….social media. I am not on any. I don’t know how to use it too well. I really hate Facebook. So I was thinking maybe I could learn to use Instagram or something. Maybe I could use something on this blog. I have no idea. Or I could learn to tweet. Am I too old?

Sun:

One of those really tired days I have. Yesterday I kept up pretty well…. I went to the church meeting (it was ultra dull), and took Danny out to get his pants and shoes for his new job. I think we have Danny set for school and work, except for his books.

I woke up with a mild headache but took some Tylenol and drank some chicken broth. Just feeling worn out. Unloaded the dishwasher but haven’t loaded it yet.

Feeling good mentally, but still having some issues with this liquid diet. Had a very sick tummy yesterday. Just kept sipping water and doing deep breathing. I REALLY want to hold on and stabilize on this Optifast. Losing the weight is just so important.

We’ll see how I am doing tomorrow.

Mon:

It’s 11 am and not too great of a day so far. I’m glad I had nothing really scheduled for today.

I woke up with a headache again. I know it is somehow connected to the liquid diet. I got online and read about carb withdrawal and caffeine withdrawal. I am also suffering from nausea.

I’m frustrated. I knew I’d have to basically go without food and my life would change but I didn’t sign up for the headache, diarrhea, and nausea. I am hoping desperately that some of this is just an adjustment period. This is Day 11, though, and I’d think I’d be settled down by now.

My Optifast doctor is okay but he is not the most sympathetic. Which is irritating as his services are totally out of pocket.

My 28 year old daughter is on a complaining kick. She doesn’t think she is paid enough (she is a teacher) and she doesn’t think she has enough friends. However, from my end, she doesn’t make much effort to make friends. I just have my plate full without listening to her. She says she wants to move out of state where teachers make more money. I would miss her, but I think she needs to do what is right for her. Sigh.

So I am an unhappy camper today. I am going to ask in my prayers to simply wake up with no headache tomorrow. Just something simple.

Tues:

Well, God answers prayer but I wasn’t specific enough. I did not wake up with a headache but DID wake up with serious abdominal pain. Now the doctor thinks I may be lactose intolerant. That’s a surprise as I always drank milk, etc. with no problems. What a mess!

When I feel physically down, I get mentally down really fast. I seem to get stuck in a mindset where I will always be sick and never feel better. This makes me feel hopeless.

I just feel overwhelmed today.

let’s hope next week stays good all the way through….

lily

Doing better!

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august sandThurs:

Well, last week at this time I wanted to go into the hospital so I guess you could say I am doing better.

I had a lot of dreams last night about the museum where I used to work. It was strange. I think my meds are causing dreams as I normally don’t dream that much.

Am starting out my day with laundry and a visit to the diet doctor. I can’t wait…NOT! I hope he doesn’t have a heart attack when I get on the scale.

Well, good news! In one year and a half, I have lost 1 1/2 pounds. I know that sort of sounds like a joke, but if you are on psych drugs, that is a real feat. I got my Optifast stuff and have started the weight loss journey. I sure hope I can get some weight off.

I had a good day. Got four loads of laundry done and saw my talk therapist. Got a good nap. Read some, did devotionals. Drank my Optifast shakes and got hungry. That’s normal… I guess my stomach will shrink after a bit.

You might remember how I felt down last week because my prior year’s blogs were just like THIS year’s. My talk therapist said what we need to do is decide what I want NEXT August to look like and to work toward that. So in the next few days, I will be thinking of where I would like to be next year.

Fri:

Tonight am having a friend over to watch the Olympic opening ceremonies. Also am planning on some yoga at home, sewing, meeting with Danny to discuss looking for a job, and organizing myself for a walk tomorrow.

I didn’t sleep that well, but I had a really good morning. I got up and cleaned the kitchen and did a few other small chores. Got a LOT of stuff done and feel pretty good.

I see my CBT therapist today. Hopefully we can get the insurance worked out.

I have been looking at what I would like next August to look like. I have some things on the list so far. I will keep working on it and let you read it in the next week or so. It’s kind of exciting to have some different goals from the mundane “get up and read Bible”.

It’s thundering here in the morning and we rarely get morning rain so the lawn guys can’t figure out what to do. I think they are debating. I know how they feel.

Hey, lately, we have been piling some new followers in. Welcome to all of you!

I can tell I am getting a little older. My house doesn’t have to be perfect to have a friend over. It’s basically clean, but if there is stuff laying around, so what? My friends are here to see ME. Just because their house might be “perfect” shouldn’t affect me. I’m no less of a person if I have a pile of folded towels sitting on the armchair.

Sat:

Feeling much better. Got up and did my 30 minute walk outside. Worked on some plans to help the kids. Plan to sew a bit, do devotionals, read, shower, and do a few minutes of meditation.

I am doing okay on the Optifast but sure am hungry. Ate a hot dog bun yesterday…I cheated! LOL. Anyway, I am doing the best I can.

Hoping to make it to church tomorrow.

Had a bit of a crash tonight. Just feeling sort of down. Could be anything, but I suspect may be the new diet and super low calories.

Sun:

It’s a shock but I am feeling really good. Moderately elevated on my scale. I went to church this morning and was asked to volunteer for some sort of prayer group. I said yes. I stopped with my husband to visit his uncle in the hospital. I went and got my nails done. I did all my devotionals. I drank my Optifast correctly. And it is still only 1pm.

I think I am feeling better for several reasons. 1) it feels like my meds have settled down. 2) I think the CBT therapy is helping me deal well with the routine ups and downs of life. 3) I think the talk therapy is helping me to clean up my old crap and get a new life going.

It’s weird to feel better so fast when I wanted to go into the hospital last week. But, I will take it.

I am still working on the list of things I want to do by next August. The way I want to be in a year. I notice I’ve already started to do a few of these things around the edges. For example, I want to lose 50 pounds by next August and I have already started the Optifast.

I figure I am going to hit it at 8 pounds a month. We shall see. That’s ambitious, but why not try?

Mon:

Stayed up too late and watched the Olympics. I sort of look at all those people and wonder if some of them have mental illness. It makes sense that some of them would. Plus, if you were manic, it would probably help.

Have a sort of a slow day planned. Am going to get out and drive Danny around to drop off job applications. This is a good way for me to practice driving. Also plan on going out and looking for some new patio furniture. (It should be on sale at the end of the summer…) I also have a small goal on my quilt I hope to get to. That’s about it for today.

And oh, I feel pretty good. A little nervous somehow, but pretty good.

See you tomorrow.

Tues:

Have a very full day today: therapist, psychiatrist, treadmill, bipolar group. Hope I make it through all that. I am an Olympian in my own way!

Losing weight but having some tummy troubles on the Optifast. Ugh! Also found out my blood sugar level is pre-diabetic. Am not in a panic about this. Doctor says it can be managed through weight loss.

Happy Anniversary to the blog! Two years we have made it.

have a good week all-

lily

 

A Sad August

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Wed:

So last night was a weird night. My husband woke me up at midnight to tell me he smelled something burning. I didn’t smell anything but I got up anyway and we went over the whole house. So I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I finally got to sleep at three. That’s not a good scenario for me. I woke up this morning groggy and desperate for more sleep. But I got dinner in the slow cooker, did a little on my quilt, and did my eyebrows. I just have to do my devotional stuff and go to yoga at 2. We’ll see how far I get.

I am feeling a little desperate today without my normal sleep. I usually sleep pretty well. My sympathies to you out there who suffer from insomnia….I don’t know how you do it.

I’m working on a Christmas quilt but am in no hurry. If  I don’t get it done this year, I’ll finish it for next year. I just try to do at least a little on it each day.

I am a little disheartened over something. I went back over some entries from my blog a year and two ago. It’s all the SAME thing. Nothing has really changed. I am still struggling with the same old stuff. You’d think I’d have made some progress by now, but I haven’t.

So here is an entry from last August:

“As you can tell, I am feeling pretty good. I had a depressed day yesterday with the migraine and today is a tired, weak sort of day. Tomorrow my husband is out of town, so I am planning on spending all day on the recovery quilt. I am proud of myself though. Even though I got up late and felt tired today, I am getting all of my stuff done I had set out to do.”

Doesn’t that sound exactly what is going on now? Blech!

Thurs:

Just one of my worst depression days. Almost went to the hospital. Will try to write again tomorrow.

Fri:

Today is better than yesterday, but I am crying a lot. Not sure why. My aunt from Florida is very sick, but she is okay for now. I just feel very lonely and like my life is over. Doesn’t seem like much point to anything. I am up and working on a few things, crying all the while.

I am very sad about my old best friend. I lost her because of my illness. First off, when I get sick I am not very fun. But I could not hide my illness and pretend everything was okay, and she was unable to handle things when I got bad. We were friends a long time. I know being apart is best for her, though. She is freer to make better friends. I was taking a lot of her time. So that is a sad thing. It’s hard though after talking every day to never talk at all. I wonder a lot about her family and all of that. And I do wonder if she ever thinks of me and the fun things we used to do. We traveled a lot and had a lot of laughs. For all I know, she could have up and moved to Tahiti. It’s hard.

While I’m having a pity party, I think of all the things I could have done if I was not bipolar. This illness has taken my life. I know some bipolar people get around just fine, but mine is pretty serious. Sad. I look at what others have achieved and get bogged down in sadness. And, yes, I know that many people are worse off than I am.

Sat:

Struggling today. Went back on perphenazine because I had images of the number “7” running through my head. I actually thought about hurting myself which I rarely do. Life is just complicated right now. We have more company in town and my husband wants to go out with them so bad, but I can’t stay alone. So one of my friends is coming over to baby-sit. I am exhausted.

Tomorrow we are going on another short trip with just my oldest son. He is my easiest and I look forward to just sitting around for a while.

I need to get a shower before my friend comes. It is only 11:00 and she is coming at 4:00, so I know I can do it.

I had some brief time to think about my best ex friend. No wonder she could not handle all of this. I cannot handle it myself. She is lucky to be out of this mess and I am lucky to have any friends at all.

Sun:

Had a really good night with my friend babysitting. We had pizza and cupcakes and watched a movie. I fell asleep due to the perphenazine, but I stopped having the hallucinations. I also felt more stable.

It was nice to catch up with my friend.

I have been waking up the last two mornings with serious back pain. I don’t know if it is my back or my kidneys. During the day, no pain at all. This has just been a hell of a week.

The icky company left last night. Even though they were here only three days, it was enough.

We live in literally one of the hottest parts of the country. I can’t figure out why we have so much company. It’s crazy!

We’re leaving at noon to head to another town for a few days. This hotel has a decent spa and a lazy river. My son (25) is excited like a kid. We’re also going to a couple of museums. We’re supposed to get some rain which is really nice here.

So everyone hope the perphenazine keeps working. I don’t want to see a bunch of “7’s” floating by.

Mon:

Slept pretty well at the hotel. Big storm in the middle of the night. Was lucky to lay around the pool all day. Felt pretty good, not elevated, but nothing running through my mind. Still on perphenazine and dizzy. Just wading around and floating in shallow pool water. No deep swimming. Got a blended iced Starbucks mocha which cheered me up a lot.

CBT therapist having trouble getting supplemental insurance to pay. It’s only $19 a time we are missing, but still….I hate dealing with insurance.

Tues:

Planning on working on the treadmill and then getting a massage. Husband and son went to outdoor museum early. I have a couple of hours to kill here in the hotel room.I did some stretching exercises, meditated, and am writing on here.

Still feeling mentally wobbly. Have decided to go back off Jenny Craig and back on Optifast. It’s doctor supervised so I don’t worry too much. It’s just simpler to drink 5 shakes a day….we’ll see how it goes.

I’m using an app called “balanced”. I’ve read all kinds of stuff about what helps depression/bipolar/ life so this is what I am doing:

-driving/riding in a car once a day

-go for walk/treadmill 2x week

-yoga 2x week

-phone meeting with Christian support friend once/week

-floss teeth every day

-every day: read some of a book, do devotional, meditate, think of 3 things to be thankful for

-write in journal/blog every day

-plan to see a friend once a week

-massage once a month

-diet doctor every two weeks

-CBT and talk therapist weekly

-psychiatrist between once week and once a month

-take all meds

I’m doing what I can. Bipolar is a hell of a lot of work.

love you all,

lily

 

 

Tough Love

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college 2

Can’t remember where I left you guys off…

Anyway we met with Danny and presented him with three options. It took him a couple of days to come up with the option he wanted:

-he does not live at home

-we contribute $300 month to his rent

-he gets the car, insurance, and repairs

-no allowance

-he gets a job

-unlimited groceries

-phone

-goes to school and gets “C’s” or better

In the last few days, he has been working on finding a job. He has a place to stay till the end of September. School starts Aug 18th. And he has a safety net. He can stay at home briefly. He won’t be homeless. So enough about Danny but wanted to keep you up to date on the saga.

We left yesterday (Thursday) for the mountains. We are house and cat sitting for some friends. It’s gorgeous up here….very cool and lots of pines. I am keeping up with my little routines. I took a walk and a shower this morning.

I am feeling pretty good. Not like running all over hell and back, but enough to get out. Slightly elevated. Did not get nervous riding in the car up to the mountains (3 hours). Just a few moments passing big trucks. I hear some peaceful thunder as I write. See you tomorrow.

Sat:

It’s a beautiful morning here. We are planning on going for a walk this evening. I do feel baseline or slightly elevated, but just not good enough to go anywhere. I have mixed feelings about this….obviously I felt good enough to pack up and come to the mountains, but now that I am here I just want to lay around.

My husband says he is starting to believe I will always feel this way- with a great day or two and then a tired day. I don’t know how I feel about that. I want to have the energy to be a dependable volunteer somewhere and to be useful in life.

Sun:

A gorgeous day here…went out for my half hour walk. Woke up pretty early though, @ 4:30. Just flipped on the news for a while.

I have been thinking about something for a week or so. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying TOO hard to get better. I just feel like I am working every day to get a list of of healthy things done. I am worn out in a way. I just want to hang out and do nothing. But then I have to give myself a little credit for what I am doing. I actually don’t know what I am thinking but I know I am not slightly elevated when I would like to be. I have the “pills” (good meds) and the “skills” (CBT, talk therapy). I am doing what I can do. I would like to shower more regularly, drive a little farther, and get more regular about diet and exercise.

But at least I am not depressed. It could be worse.

Went out for a tiny shopping trip. then stopped for a salad. Came home for a nap and woke up to rain and a bit of hail. Very fun! My husband and I drove up higher in the mountains (after it stopped raining) to look at rock formations (a bit dull for me…). Things were weird, but I could feel my mood slipping lower and lower. Very strange. Got home and felt a little better.

Mon:

Got up and drove home from the mountains. Much more nervous on the freeway, but kept my eyes open the whole way on the overpass. Just exhausted.

Tues:

Woke up and felt pretty down. But as I went along I felt better. My goals today are to shower, sew a few minutes, and go to the gym for thirty minutes on the treadmill. I also want to go to my bipolar support group.

Klonopin:

I keep reading about how bad Klonopin is for you. But I am doing decently on three .5 per day. I am thinking about trying to get the Klonopin down to as needed. I’m going to keep taking three per day this week and then maybe going to 2 and/or 3 every other day. I’m just not sure. My doctor isn’t insistent about anything but he said he was glad I went from 4 to 3 on my own. He says (as if I didn’t know), you can get dependent on benzos.

I love all of you out there reading. I wish I knew you better and could be supportive to YOU.

Thanks,

lily