Rolling Along

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wagonWell, we shall see what this week brings:

Wed:

I went to the regular doctor to get my cholesterol med refilled. According to her scale I have lost 8 pounds in two weeks. I get officially weighed in tomorrow so we shall see. I have to stay on the diet firmly today.

My regular doctor is all over the Optifast diet. She says as I lose the weight, we will see my blood sugar and cholesterol just go down and down. She was really nice.

In the past, I have cried in her office due to my bipolar….and today I was nice and calm. I was very proud of myself. I think the CBT is helping.

Thurs:

Woke up in a good situation. Only a very light headache and no tummy troubles. I am fasting for a few hours till I get my blood drawn at the diet doctor. I also get weighed in. Will be interested to see how much weight I have lost. This has been a tough week on the diet trail.

Danny went to his new job orientation last night. At the last minute, he finds out he needs his social security CARD, not just the number. So we flipped our files upside down and came up with a color copy of it. They took this. Jeez! I don’t even know where my card is.

Today is his first day back to college. We are all on pins and needles to see how it goes.

I feel pretty good mentally today and I know it is because I feel decent physically. It’s hard to be enthused when you have a headache, diarrhea, a sick stomach, and are starving. I’m hoping that the attractive thing about this Optifast is that you lose weight fast.

Today’s plans are sort of basic: diet doctor, CBT doctor, and laundry. Tomorrow’s plans are even better: nothing! Well, I’ll probably come up with a few things.

Okay, official weigh in: 7.5 pounds in 2 weeks. As I write this in the afternoon, I am feeling much better physically.

Fri:

Have my weekly support call with my friend in a few minutes. Woke up and it is really a good morning so far. No headache or tummy troubles.

My husband and I were talking yesterday about how my losing this weight could change my life. I think it is true. There are just so many positives to getting it off. I’m in a better place with it right now….food sort of looks good, but my stomach is too small to hold very much. I do eat a few pretzel nuggets here and there. They give me something to chew.

This Monday I am having lunch with my best friend from high school. The food will be a challenge. I think I might order half a sandwich and try to eat some of that. Maybe some turkey.

I need to get driving again. I was doing pretty well, but this last week since I have felt sick from the diet I have slacked off. I also have slacked off on exercise, so I know what I need to get done this week.

Danny had his first shift at work last night. No word yet on how it went. Thank god that kid is back in school.

I feel good mentally. Like I am in control and can handle most problems. The CBT has made a big difference for me. I might get down, but I can get right back up again fairly fast.

Today I am not doing much but a few errands. I plan to drive. I’ve got some quilting work to do. Hopefully, just a nice low-key day.

I am very proud of myself for sticking with this diet through the tough part. It’s easier as it goes. I pray the weight keeps coming off.

Re: above…I did drive all around on some errands. I want to keep driving with husband in the car and then next week start driving around on my own.

Sat:

Cheated a bit on the diet. Ate a few mini-peppermint patties. But boy, they sure tasted good!

Got up and feel really good. Watching the Olympics. Looking forward to a really low-key day. Don’t think I will go anywhere…I have a few easy things to do around here.

Went to the department store and got my facial routine stuff. Men have it lucky. I got some exfoliating stuff, some cleanser, night and day moisturizer,  and a gentle weekly peel. There are all kinds of other things: eye and face serums, more peels, more expensive creams, you name it. But I have a good start and I can give it all a try as this was one of my goals for this year.

Moving along on the Christmas quilt. Will put a picture up soon. (I’m sure you men can’t wait!)

Was lazy today and did not take my walk. This is not good as I am feeling better physically. I need to get back to the exercise.

Hope to get to church tomorrow.

Sun:

Got up and felt really good…no headache. Went to the early church service and then stopped to see my husband’s uncle in a nursing home. We had a nice visit, but I started starving and needed to get home. I rushed in the door and had my shake, a few pretzels, and a jello cup.

I am starting to get excited about losing some weight. This will be my third week weigh-in on Thursday. It’s sort of fun to see where I am. My first test comes up tomorrow as I am having lunch out. I am also a little nervous about my stomach eating real food. I just plan on taking it slow and not eating too much. But I am determined to get used to going out and not letting the diet dictate my social life.

I plan on cleaning out some drawers, etc. in my bathroom and getting a shower. That’s about today. I feel normal. Thank god.

Drove to church and the nursing home and back home. Doing better on driving.

Mon:

Slept really well and had a breakfast of a shake and lemonade. Nervous about driving alone to have lunch with my friend.

Feeling very normal and good. Not high at all, just capable.

Ate a tiny brownie, probably going to hell. I need to really get serious and not cheat on this diet. As they say “I am only cheating myself.” We leave Saturday for a visit to some friends and I know the food is going to be a challenge. I just plan on taking my shakes and doing the best I can.

Note in the afternoon: Drove all alone to lunch with friend….did fine. Need to keep driving alone for another two weeks and then plan a short stint on the freeway with husband in the car. Also good news: Danny reports he likes his new job. Relief!

Tues:

Still cheating mildly on diet…not excited to get weighed in on Thursday. Am going to talk to therapist about it today.

Daughter was rear ended this morning. No damage to her or the car. Very lucky.

Love you all…see you next week:)

lily

Goals: A Year Away

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goal

So a couple of weeks ago I got depressed over some of the stuff in my blog. A year ago in August and then TWO years ago in August, my life had not changed much. Sort of two wasted years.

So my talk therapist said “Let’s make a list of goals…how you would like your life to look next August?”

I worked on the list and this is what I came up with so far:

-taking physical health issues in stride using CBT (no crying at the doctor’s).

-taking some classes in things to improve or learn new skills: quilting, line dancing, bowling, cooking. I am hoping to find some healthy/ diabetic cooking classes so I could entertain people with a dinner party, etc.

-starting a face/ skin care routine

-going to the vast majority of parties and events I am invited to

-rarely cancelling on an appointment or social activity

-losing 50 pounds (8 pounds a month)

-going on a major trip (New Orleans)? Using CBT to help with fear of flying

-driving around town freely, including freeways and at night

-learning to use the DVR’s in the den and bedroom

-only using Klonopin prn

-get financial info from husband: how to handle checking, retirement accounts, pension, disability, etc.

-3 sessions of 45 min walking per week (treadmill or neighborhood)

-2 yoga classes a week

-volunteer once a week somewhere

-do more one-time things at church, such as dinners or volunteer work

-try three new spas

-dress up more when going out of the house

-staying alone as long as needed without calling husband because I am nervous

That’s what I came up with.

Thurs:

Well, today is a big deal! Danny has a job interview this afternoon. I am really hoping he gets it. If he does, we will have him settled in two areas: school and work. The third area is finding him a place to live. (Our house is his temporary landing pad, but we are all hoping for an apartment somewhere.)

Went to the diet doctor and lost 3 pounds. Wished it was more but it is a start. I have 20 days to lose another 5 to hit my goal of eight per month. I have been cheating here and there with bread and peanut butter, but I am really hungry. Just keep plugging along I guess.

Fri:

Good news! Danny got the job! He starts next week. Whew!

Feeling pretty tired this morning. Not depressed, just worn out.

Saw my CBT therapist yesterday. We decided I need to get practicing on the driving more. I am doing really well on riding without fear. I plan on driving a couple of places ALONE in the next few days.

Sat:

Am absolutely starving! I am ready to chew my arm off. My doctor on this liquid diet says 70% of people have no hunger. Well, I must be in the 30%. My husband says the real issue is my med, Rexulti, which causes hunger and weight gain. I feel a little overwhelmed with the whole thing. But I am just desperate to stand on that scale next Thursday and have lost 2 or 3 pounds. I’m allowed to have chicken broth and that helps.

Our upstairs air conditioner is out. So we are all camping downstairs. I am happy as a clam on my couch. It will take a few days to get the parts to fix it. Thank god fans were invented.

I am going to a meeting at church today. A good sign that I am feeling better.

Had a friend over to watch more Olympics last night. One of my goals for next August is a skin care routine. This friend sells cosmetics at a department store and I like one of the brands there. So I’m going in Tuesday to add a product or two to my skin. It certainly could use it. I’ll just start using it a bit and gradually build up. It’s a good goal.

I thought of a new goal….social media. I am not on any. I don’t know how to use it too well. I really hate Facebook. So I was thinking maybe I could learn to use Instagram or something. Maybe I could use something on this blog. I have no idea. Or I could learn to tweet. Am I too old?

Sun:

One of those really tired days I have. Yesterday I kept up pretty well…. I went to the church meeting (it was ultra dull), and took Danny out to get his pants and shoes for his new job. I think we have Danny set for school and work, except for his books.

I woke up with a mild headache but took some Tylenol and drank some chicken broth. Just feeling worn out. Unloaded the dishwasher but haven’t loaded it yet.

Feeling good mentally, but still having some issues with this liquid diet. Had a very sick tummy yesterday. Just kept sipping water and doing deep breathing. I REALLY want to hold on and stabilize on this Optifast. Losing the weight is just so important.

We’ll see how I am doing tomorrow.

Mon:

It’s 11 am and not too great of a day so far. I’m glad I had nothing really scheduled for today.

I woke up with a headache again. I know it is somehow connected to the liquid diet. I got online and read about carb withdrawal and caffeine withdrawal. I am also suffering from nausea.

I’m frustrated. I knew I’d have to basically go without food and my life would change but I didn’t sign up for the headache, diarrhea, and nausea. I am hoping desperately that some of this is just an adjustment period. This is Day 11, though, and I’d think I’d be settled down by now.

My Optifast doctor is okay but he is not the most sympathetic. Which is irritating as his services are totally out of pocket.

My 28 year old daughter is on a complaining kick. She doesn’t think she is paid enough (she is a teacher) and she doesn’t think she has enough friends. However, from my end, she doesn’t make much effort to make friends. I just have my plate full without listening to her. She says she wants to move out of state where teachers make more money. I would miss her, but I think she needs to do what is right for her. Sigh.

So I am an unhappy camper today. I am going to ask in my prayers to simply wake up with no headache tomorrow. Just something simple.

Tues:

Well, God answers prayer but I wasn’t specific enough. I did not wake up with a headache but DID wake up with serious abdominal pain. Now the doctor thinks I may be lactose intolerant. That’s a surprise as I always drank milk, etc. with no problems. What a mess!

When I feel physically down, I get mentally down really fast. I seem to get stuck in a mindset where I will always be sick and never feel better. This makes me feel hopeless.

I just feel overwhelmed today.

let’s hope next week stays good all the way through….

lily

Doing better!

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august sandThurs:

Well, last week at this time I wanted to go into the hospital so I guess you could say I am doing better.

I had a lot of dreams last night about the museum where I used to work. It was strange. I think my meds are causing dreams as I normally don’t dream that much.

Am starting out my day with laundry and a visit to the diet doctor. I can’t wait…NOT! I hope he doesn’t have a heart attack when I get on the scale.

Well, good news! In one year and a half, I have lost 1 1/2 pounds. I know that sort of sounds like a joke, but if you are on psych drugs, that is a real feat. I got my Optifast stuff and have started the weight loss journey. I sure hope I can get some weight off.

I had a good day. Got four loads of laundry done and saw my talk therapist. Got a good nap. Read some, did devotionals. Drank my Optifast shakes and got hungry. That’s normal… I guess my stomach will shrink after a bit.

You might remember how I felt down last week because my prior year’s blogs were just like THIS year’s. My talk therapist said what we need to do is decide what I want NEXT August to look like and to work toward that. So in the next few days, I will be thinking of where I would like to be next year.

Fri:

Tonight am having a friend over to watch the Olympic opening ceremonies. Also am planning on some yoga at home, sewing, meeting with Danny to discuss looking for a job, and organizing myself for a walk tomorrow.

I didn’t sleep that well, but I had a really good morning. I got up and cleaned the kitchen and did a few other small chores. Got a LOT of stuff done and feel pretty good.

I see my CBT therapist today. Hopefully we can get the insurance worked out.

I have been looking at what I would like next August to look like. I have some things on the list so far. I will keep working on it and let you read it in the next week or so. It’s kind of exciting to have some different goals from the mundane “get up and read Bible”.

It’s thundering here in the morning and we rarely get morning rain so the lawn guys can’t figure out what to do. I think they are debating. I know how they feel.

Hey, lately, we have been piling some new followers in. Welcome to all of you!

I can tell I am getting a little older. My house doesn’t have to be perfect to have a friend over. It’s basically clean, but if there is stuff laying around, so what? My friends are here to see ME. Just because their house might be “perfect” shouldn’t affect me. I’m no less of a person if I have a pile of folded towels sitting on the armchair.

Sat:

Feeling much better. Got up and did my 30 minute walk outside. Worked on some plans to help the kids. Plan to sew a bit, do devotionals, read, shower, and do a few minutes of meditation.

I am doing okay on the Optifast but sure am hungry. Ate a hot dog bun yesterday…I cheated! LOL. Anyway, I am doing the best I can.

Hoping to make it to church tomorrow.

Had a bit of a crash tonight. Just feeling sort of down. Could be anything, but I suspect may be the new diet and super low calories.

Sun:

It’s a shock but I am feeling really good. Moderately elevated on my scale. I went to church this morning and was asked to volunteer for some sort of prayer group. I said yes. I stopped with my husband to visit his uncle in the hospital. I went and got my nails done. I did all my devotionals. I drank my Optifast correctly. And it is still only 1pm.

I think I am feeling better for several reasons. 1) it feels like my meds have settled down. 2) I think the CBT therapy is helping me deal well with the routine ups and downs of life. 3) I think the talk therapy is helping me to clean up my old crap and get a new life going.

It’s weird to feel better so fast when I wanted to go into the hospital last week. But, I will take it.

I am still working on the list of things I want to do by next August. The way I want to be in a year. I notice I’ve already started to do a few of these things around the edges. For example, I want to lose 50 pounds by next August and I have already started the Optifast.

I figure I am going to hit it at 8 pounds a month. We shall see. That’s ambitious, but why not try?

Mon:

Stayed up too late and watched the Olympics. I sort of look at all those people and wonder if some of them have mental illness. It makes sense that some of them would. Plus, if you were manic, it would probably help.

Have a sort of a slow day planned. Am going to get out and drive Danny around to drop off job applications. This is a good way for me to practice driving. Also plan on going out and looking for some new patio furniture. (It should be on sale at the end of the summer…) I also have a small goal on my quilt I hope to get to. That’s about it for today.

And oh, I feel pretty good. A little nervous somehow, but pretty good.

See you tomorrow.

Tues:

Have a very full day today: therapist, psychiatrist, treadmill, bipolar group. Hope I make it through all that. I am an Olympian in my own way!

Losing weight but having some tummy troubles on the Optifast. Ugh! Also found out my blood sugar level is pre-diabetic. Am not in a panic about this. Doctor says it can be managed through weight loss.

Happy Anniversary to the blog! Two years we have made it.

have a good week all-

lily

 

A Sad August

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august

Wed:

So last night was a weird night. My husband woke me up at midnight to tell me he smelled something burning. I didn’t smell anything but I got up anyway and we went over the whole house. So I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I finally got to sleep at three. That’s not a good scenario for me. I woke up this morning groggy and desperate for more sleep. But I got dinner in the slow cooker, did a little on my quilt, and did my eyebrows. I just have to do my devotional stuff and go to yoga at 2. We’ll see how far I get.

I am feeling a little desperate today without my normal sleep. I usually sleep pretty well. My sympathies to you out there who suffer from insomnia….I don’t know how you do it.

I’m working on a Christmas quilt but am in no hurry. If  I don’t get it done this year, I’ll finish it for next year. I just try to do at least a little on it each day.

I am a little disheartened over something. I went back over some entries from my blog a year and two ago. It’s all the SAME thing. Nothing has really changed. I am still struggling with the same old stuff. You’d think I’d have made some progress by now, but I haven’t.

So here is an entry from last August:

“As you can tell, I am feeling pretty good. I had a depressed day yesterday with the migraine and today is a tired, weak sort of day. Tomorrow my husband is out of town, so I am planning on spending all day on the recovery quilt. I am proud of myself though. Even though I got up late and felt tired today, I am getting all of my stuff done I had set out to do.”

Doesn’t that sound exactly what is going on now? Blech!

Thurs:

Just one of my worst depression days. Almost went to the hospital. Will try to write again tomorrow.

Fri:

Today is better than yesterday, but I am crying a lot. Not sure why. My aunt from Florida is very sick, but she is okay for now. I just feel very lonely and like my life is over. Doesn’t seem like much point to anything. I am up and working on a few things, crying all the while.

I am very sad about my old best friend. I lost her because of my illness. First off, when I get sick I am not very fun. But I could not hide my illness and pretend everything was okay, and she was unable to handle things when I got bad. We were friends a long time. I know being apart is best for her, though. She is freer to make better friends. I was taking a lot of her time. So that is a sad thing. It’s hard though after talking every day to never talk at all. I wonder a lot about her family and all of that. And I do wonder if she ever thinks of me and the fun things we used to do. We traveled a lot and had a lot of laughs. For all I know, she could have up and moved to Tahiti. It’s hard.

While I’m having a pity party, I think of all the things I could have done if I was not bipolar. This illness has taken my life. I know some bipolar people get around just fine, but mine is pretty serious. Sad. I look at what others have achieved and get bogged down in sadness. And, yes, I know that many people are worse off than I am.

Sat:

Struggling today. Went back on perphenazine because I had images of the number “7” running through my head. I actually thought about hurting myself which I rarely do. Life is just complicated right now. We have more company in town and my husband wants to go out with them so bad, but I can’t stay alone. So one of my friends is coming over to baby-sit. I am exhausted.

Tomorrow we are going on another short trip with just my oldest son. He is my easiest and I look forward to just sitting around for a while.

I need to get a shower before my friend comes. It is only 11:00 and she is coming at 4:00, so I know I can do it.

I had some brief time to think about my best ex friend. No wonder she could not handle all of this. I cannot handle it myself. She is lucky to be out of this mess and I am lucky to have any friends at all.

Sun:

Had a really good night with my friend babysitting. We had pizza and cupcakes and watched a movie. I fell asleep due to the perphenazine, but I stopped having the hallucinations. I also felt more stable.

It was nice to catch up with my friend.

I have been waking up the last two mornings with serious back pain. I don’t know if it is my back or my kidneys. During the day, no pain at all. This has just been a hell of a week.

The icky company left last night. Even though they were here only three days, it was enough.

We live in literally one of the hottest parts of the country. I can’t figure out why we have so much company. It’s crazy!

We’re leaving at noon to head to another town for a few days. This hotel has a decent spa and a lazy river. My son (25) is excited like a kid. We’re also going to a couple of museums. We’re supposed to get some rain which is really nice here.

So everyone hope the perphenazine keeps working. I don’t want to see a bunch of “7’s” floating by.

Mon:

Slept pretty well at the hotel. Big storm in the middle of the night. Was lucky to lay around the pool all day. Felt pretty good, not elevated, but nothing running through my mind. Still on perphenazine and dizzy. Just wading around and floating in shallow pool water. No deep swimming. Got a blended iced Starbucks mocha which cheered me up a lot.

CBT therapist having trouble getting supplemental insurance to pay. It’s only $19 a time we are missing, but still….I hate dealing with insurance.

Tues:

Planning on working on the treadmill and then getting a massage. Husband and son went to outdoor museum early. I have a couple of hours to kill here in the hotel room.I did some stretching exercises, meditated, and am writing on here.

Still feeling mentally wobbly. Have decided to go back off Jenny Craig and back on Optifast. It’s doctor supervised so I don’t worry too much. It’s just simpler to drink 5 shakes a day….we’ll see how it goes.

I’m using an app called “balanced”. I’ve read all kinds of stuff about what helps depression/bipolar/ life so this is what I am doing:

-driving/riding in a car once a day

-go for walk/treadmill 2x week

-yoga 2x week

-phone meeting with Christian support friend once/week

-floss teeth every day

-every day: read some of a book, do devotional, meditate, think of 3 things to be thankful for

-write in journal/blog every day

-plan to see a friend once a week

-massage once a month

-diet doctor every two weeks

-CBT and talk therapist weekly

-psychiatrist between once week and once a month

-take all meds

I’m doing what I can. Bipolar is a hell of a lot of work.

love you all,

lily

 

 

Tough Love

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college 2

Can’t remember where I left you guys off…

Anyway we met with Danny and presented him with three options. It took him a couple of days to come up with the option he wanted:

-he does not live at home

-we contribute $300 month to his rent

-he gets the car, insurance, and repairs

-no allowance

-he gets a job

-unlimited groceries

-phone

-goes to school and gets “C’s” or better

In the last few days, he has been working on finding a job. He has a place to stay till the end of September. School starts Aug 18th. And he has a safety net. He can stay at home briefly. He won’t be homeless. So enough about Danny but wanted to keep you up to date on the saga.

We left yesterday (Thursday) for the mountains. We are house and cat sitting for some friends. It’s gorgeous up here….very cool and lots of pines. I am keeping up with my little routines. I took a walk and a shower this morning.

I am feeling pretty good. Not like running all over hell and back, but enough to get out. Slightly elevated. Did not get nervous riding in the car up to the mountains (3 hours). Just a few moments passing big trucks. I hear some peaceful thunder as I write. See you tomorrow.

Sat:

It’s a beautiful morning here. We are planning on going for a walk this evening. I do feel baseline or slightly elevated, but just not good enough to go anywhere. I have mixed feelings about this….obviously I felt good enough to pack up and come to the mountains, but now that I am here I just want to lay around.

My husband says he is starting to believe I will always feel this way- with a great day or two and then a tired day. I don’t know how I feel about that. I want to have the energy to be a dependable volunteer somewhere and to be useful in life.

Sun:

A gorgeous day here…went out for my half hour walk. Woke up pretty early though, @ 4:30. Just flipped on the news for a while.

I have been thinking about something for a week or so. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying TOO hard to get better. I just feel like I am working every day to get a list of of healthy things done. I am worn out in a way. I just want to hang out and do nothing. But then I have to give myself a little credit for what I am doing. I actually don’t know what I am thinking but I know I am not slightly elevated when I would like to be. I have the “pills” (good meds) and the “skills” (CBT, talk therapy). I am doing what I can do. I would like to shower more regularly, drive a little farther, and get more regular about diet and exercise.

But at least I am not depressed. It could be worse.

Went out for a tiny shopping trip. then stopped for a salad. Came home for a nap and woke up to rain and a bit of hail. Very fun! My husband and I drove up higher in the mountains (after it stopped raining) to look at rock formations (a bit dull for me…). Things were weird, but I could feel my mood slipping lower and lower. Very strange. Got home and felt a little better.

Mon:

Got up and drove home from the mountains. Much more nervous on the freeway, but kept my eyes open the whole way on the overpass. Just exhausted.

Tues:

Woke up and felt pretty down. But as I went along I felt better. My goals today are to shower, sew a few minutes, and go to the gym for thirty minutes on the treadmill. I also want to go to my bipolar support group.

Klonopin:

I keep reading about how bad Klonopin is for you. But I am doing decently on three .5 per day. I am thinking about trying to get the Klonopin down to as needed. I’m going to keep taking three per day this week and then maybe going to 2 and/or 3 every other day. I’m just not sure. My doctor isn’t insistent about anything but he said he was glad I went from 4 to 3 on my own. He says (as if I didn’t know), you can get dependent on benzos.

I love all of you out there reading. I wish I knew you better and could be supportive to YOU.

Thanks,

lily

 

 

Struggling but better

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duckWed:

Woke up and felt very weak. Wondering if this is a side effect of something or I am just feeling pretty bad. I HAVE to get going and get a room picked up here at home for the company coming. Fortunately, all the kids and husband volunteered to help so we’ll get it done.

This is great company…they love to run around and entertain themselves. They also love to eat out so I won’t have to do lots of cooking in this heat.

Thank you to all who were so encouraging last week. Much love to you all.

Good news: I got up and did some cleaning. I feel better. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day.

Thurs:

Well, all hell has broken loose around here. My 22 YO got in a verbal dispute with my husband and he has moved in with a friend. This fight was all over pot.

Now I don’t love drugs or pot, but pot doesn’t get me that upset unless it consumes someone’s life. However, my husband is a pot freak. He is extremely anti-drug. Which frankly is his business and his right. So my son, who is getting an allowance from my husband turns out to be using some of this money for pot. (My son did not get a job this summer.) So of course, my husband really yelled about it. My son gave him a bunch of backtalk about how narrow minded we were and it wound up with Danny moving over to a friend’s house. My husband gave him his phone, but not his (our) car. Danny also announced he is dropping out of college to pursue a career in music. (eyeball roll).

I have to tell you that I am not that upset. It is a relief to have him gone. That might seem kind of cold, but he didn’t lift one finger around the house and he was so rude to me. I put up with it in order to keep him in school. But it was wearing me out.

So he is living with a friend (who knows how long that mom will let him stay?) He has $120 my husband gave him, no car, and no job.

My older two kids living here are greatly relieved also, as Danny was rude to them.

So we have company coming. But really it’s better he has left as there will be no fighting.

I grew up in a home with endless violence and I hate that here. We’ve never had physical problems but a couple times a year we’ll get in a shouting match with each other. It’s generally pretty peaceful.

My mood is surprisingly better…I got up and took a shower, did some sewing, and cleaned up a bit.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

Fri:

So far I feel GREAT! Definitely elevated. I’m trying to decide if it’s the fact that Danny has moved out or if it is the change to Welbutrin. My husband says it is probably a combination of both.

All I have to do today is go to my CBT therapist and then on to a dinner group with some friends. We are bringing a store bought carrot cake, so no work.

So I talked to my regular therapist about Danny. He has decided he wants the car. But the car was part of the deal of going to school. My therapist suggested that we come up with a few different scenarios and then meet with Danny Monday or Tuesday to see what he wants to do. I like the idea of letting everyone cool off.

Mon:

Well, I took the weekend off of writing here….lots of stuff going on real life. Saturday was the big tea I hosted.

It went fabulous! Everyone showed up and everyone sort of wandered in and sat down next to appropriate people. The food and tea were really good. One of the ladies was on a gluten free diet and they made her her own little tier of food, so that worked out. I got a lot of compliments on everything and had a pretty good time. I wasn’t too tired at all. I am glad my therapists said to give it a try and host the event.

Sunday I just sort of laid around and ditched church. I was pretty tired from the big tea. I need to get my butt to church on a more regular basis. I’d like to go something like every 3 out of 4 weeks. We are pretty much doing that now although we are traveling for a couple of weeks and will miss some. I also entertained our company, although they have been a pleasure. They’ve been running around so much and seeing people they know in town…it has been an easy visit.

I forgot to mention I went to a casual dinner party on Friday night. I was a good sport and stayed a while extra and helped rinse the dishes and load the dishwasher. Usually I am too tired to help.

My middle son has a girlfriend and he asked me to go with him to pick out a bracelet for her birthday. I was really flattered that he trusted me.

So today we are meeting with Danny and giving him some options of life. We’re meeting him at a casual restaurant…hoping this will keep everyone calm. Per my therapist, we have written out some options for him, including going back to school and not…and just working and supporting himself. I let you know tomorrow how it went…I am a bit nervous. But if he acts angry or rude, I am out of there and he can totally live his own life for a while till he grows up.

Tues:

Just got the company off to the airport. The visit was really a success….everyone all got along and I am not unconscious from exhaustion. My daughter flew back with them to spend a week. It’s going to be quiet around here.

We met with Danny. Everyone was very calm. We are basically at an impasse….he wants the car and we want him to finish college. He moped around and acted pretty depressed over not the getting the car but, hey. He can buy his own car. His new immediate goal is to be a Wal-Mart cashier. This is from the same kid who told us he wants something slow paced….lol. I just hope Wal-Mart is ready for him.

I think there is a small chance Danny will go back to school. He still has 3-4 weeks to decide. At least he got his associate’s degree at community college….that looks good on his applications to Burger King.

Got the news that my brother-in-law is fighting prostate cancer. He seems pretty calm about it. He has to go through quite a few radiation treatments. I told my husband to get on a plane and go spend some time with his brother. Men!

Hugs to you all,

lily

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s July

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flowersTues:

So the Fourth went really well. We grilled our hamburgers and hot dogs and then had our fireworks show in the backyard. We even had red, white, and blue cupcakes.

Really good news from today. I rode on the freeway and through downtown to the homeless senior center to deliver water and other stuff. For some reason, I wasn’t scared at all. Then we came home and did some errands and I drove some with my husband in the car. Once again, no anxiety. I have a pdoc appointment this afternoon and plan on driving there if possible. So a good day so far.

The day kept going well. I drove to my doctor’s appointment and went to my bipolar support group.

The doctor changed up my meds so now I am on Rexulti, Welbutrin, Klonopin, and Lamictal. I hoping this will get me from “baseline” to “slightly elevated”. I am voluntarily reducing my Klonopin from four to three a day.

Wed:

A pretty good day again. Drove myself all alone to get my hair done. Was a little nervous about backing up out of the parking, but did the rest of it just fine. Husband went out to eat lunch with a friend. I feel more secure when he is here, even if my kids are here. This is a little bit of a change as I normally want to spend time alone.

I don’t have any big plans for the rest of the day. My yoga teacher is on vacation this week, so I am being lazy. I may just relax and listen to my audio book.

Thurs:

Having some weird sleep habits and anxiety. I am falling asleep about 7 right after I take my meds. But for some reason I want to sleep early. Then I wake up at 4:30-5 and lie there and have anxiety about the day and things going on in my life. Once my daughter and son come down (at about 6:30) I feel better.

My mood is slightly elevated…I think some of these meds may be working. That’s really good news. I plan on driving back and forth ALONE to my therapist today. That’s a big step.

I need to increase my exercise for so many reasons. I want to feel better and fight depression. I want to have something productive to do. I want to stop feeling guilt about not doing enough exercise. I’m going to start on Saturday with my 6am walk. I know I can do it. If my meds make me feel more ambitious, it should really help.

Fri:

Great day so far! Feeling good and made my support call with my friend.

I went to see my therapist yesterday and we worked on some good stuff. One thing we worked on was grief…how long you should grieve various things such as relationships. Also, we started working on my weight. I have the Jenny Craig in place, but I need to learn to say “no” to outside food. I really need to learn to be indifferent to outside food. So I am keeping a diary of sorts of all the times I said “no” to something tempting this next few days. It would be nice to go to  a party…maybe have a small portion of a few things, and then move on. Right now, I tend to think of all activities based on food. Not good.

The best news of all is that I drove to and from the doctor’s office all by myself! Really good progress.

My youngest (22) is getting a little sassy when talking to me. I sat down with him but don’t think it did much good. He’s acting more like 14 than 22.

Sat:

Youngest has re-evaluated his life and is more polite.

This was a decent day. I promised daughter to see “Secret Life of Pets”. Of course, when I woke up I did not feel like going but I didn’t want to let her down. So I went and I drove.

I have had this weird experience of anxiety at movie theaters lately. I feel like something is going wrong at home while I am sitting there disconnected from my phone. Strange. Anyway, the movie was cute. It was also my husband’s birthday, so we went out to have Mexican food. I skipped the trip to Dairy Queen as I am working on that diet.

We’re skipping church tomorrow to take a break. Some friends are taking us out for dinner tomorrow night.

I still would just prefer to lay on the couch. I am reading this book that says “if you get up and go you’ll have a good time.” But you know, I just get somewhere and can’t wait to go home. I am hoping my med will kick in a little more.

Sun:

Skipped church. Went out with friends. Had salmon. Really good.

Mon:

Not my best day. Have some sort of head problem from switching meds. Not sure if you’d call it a “brain zap” or a “migraine pain” or what. Just on the right side of my head. Cancelled breakfast with a friend but will see her Sat anyway. Was going to meet son for lunch at a restaurant near his job but sent husband and daughter instead. Sometimes I get so sick of trying. Hope tomorrow is better.

Tues.

Another rough day. You know, sometimes I just feel like giving up. But I’m not exactly sure how to give up. I guess just lay down and rot. I’ve been down all day dealing with milder brain zaps. They are going away. I am planning on dragging myself to my bipolar support group today. I need to get out.

I wish this blog entry ended up a little more positive.

We have company coming Thursday morning. The house is clean but it needs to be “picked up”. I’m determined to do it tomorrow just in case I am still struggling. Thank God a lot of it is in good shape.

love to you all and hope you feel well,

lily

Happy Fourth!

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4th of july

Happy Fourth to all who celebrate!

Tues:

So far a really good day on our anniversary staycation. The bed was pretty comfortable and I slept in till about six. We got up and went to the fitness center and did 30 minutes on the treadmill. I’m definitely getting into the habit of at least some exercise.

So after the fitness center, it was spa time. We rented a cabana by the spa pool. It was ideal….a nice breeze and peace and quiet by the pool. I got a massage. I think it was one of the best massages I have ever had. It started with a long scalp massage. How wrong can you go on that?

Wed:

Finished up a great day yesterday- had a facial. It got pretty hot in the cabana, so we decided to go back to the room and rest. We were surprised from some different friends: a HUGE bouquet of delicious cookies, a bottle of champagne, and a little dessert cake. People were really nice. We had some coffee on our patio and decided to pack up and go home. I drove home from the resort! Didn’t even have many nervous moments. Came home, unpacked, and worked on my phone apps. Did not eat too well (healthy) on our little vacation. I need to hit it hard if I plan to lose 6 pounds in July.

schedule for tomorrow:

laundry, shower, sew for 15 minutes, devotionals, see therapist and drive there alone.

Thurs:

Well, things didn’t exactly turn out as planned. I didn’t do laundry or take a shower. I DID do my devotions and have a phone session with my therapist. My hands were a lot less shaky. I just felt tired today. I did do a lot of resting. I think I was a little worn out from the anniversary celebration. It sounds like an easy day (and it is!) to spend the day at a spa and pool but it is out of my comfort zone.

Did I tell you I actually volunteered for something? Next spring our women’s retreat repeats and I volunteered to help with it. That gives me ten months to get my act together.

Tomorrow I hope to do better.

Fri:

Just a sucky day all around. I woke up at three with a headache. It was bad enough I took some Imitrex. This knocked me out to where I missed my support call with my friend. I didn’t even wake up till nine. My head still hurt. Then the whole family was going to the movies but of course I was afraid the noise would hurt my head. I finally gave up and also cancelled my CBT appointment. I have never done that before and was pretty disappointed in myself.

I don’t feel depressed, just frustrated and angry with myself. I need to get in the shower and get myself together. But I know I won’t. I know I will spend the entire day on the couch drinking coffee, diet coke, and ice water. I’ll also probably listen to my audiobook.

I talked to my regular therapist on the phone yesterday. She wants me to TRY to come in to see her in person next week. I know I can drive it by myself, so I am proud of that. She and I talked about a lot of good things yesterday. Like what I’d like my “ideal” day would look like.

One thing we both discussed was my energy level. I am taking quite a few meds and I know they are slowing me down. A handful in the morning and a handful at night is a problem. But I am following my doctor’s orders and I want to be med compliant. I do NOT want to wind up in the hospital.

Sat:

A tough day in the morning but there is a glimmer of hope. I just did not want to walk this morning and so I didn’t. But I am going to have lunch and go see a movie with my friend, Pat. I didn’t want to go. I know I can drive it myself, but I think I will need Klonopin to do it. So my husband is taking me and Pat is bringing me home. So I can basically take as much Klonopin as I want…not that I plan on taking a lot.

I am getting pretty attached to my couch. I just don’t want to go anywhere. But I already have my shower and Pat is an easy friend. (She does most of the talking).

Tomorrow my big goal is to get to church.

Oh, how I wish I could be “normal”. Just get up and go and not think a thing about it. Just drive and stop here or there as needed to pick up some things. I am working on everything, but it is two steps forward and one step back. Just take a shower without a thought. Sigh.

Sun:

Okay, decent news so far. I made it to the movie with my friend Pat and was not scared of riding at all. I also did fine…did not have any sort of panic. Today went to church and was very unemotional. This is good because I used to cry all the time during the hymns. I think I am feeling more stable. My husband and his friend are going to a baseball game this afternoon. My daughter and I have a movie to watch at home.

We bought a package of fireworks for tomorrow night. We are grilling and then my youngest will do his traditional fireworks show. He also has a soundtrack with it. Patriotic stuff. We sit and wave little flags (no kidding.) It’s just too hot to go to a big fireworks event here.

Mon:

More good news! Woke up in a slightly elevated mood! Have a little cold, but no big deal. Looking forward to fireworks and family time tonight.

I’ve run out of room for this week, so will take over and let you know how the Fourth went next week.

love,

lily

 

 

 

 

 

 

A week like any other week….

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So I am back again writing under duress from my doctors.

My readership was up last week, so thank you. I wish I had a more exciting life to write about…maybe I should make something up!

Wed:

Woke up today in a pretty good mood. All showered and ready to go to a movie with my friend. We’re going to see a morning show. Got started on devotionals. Did you know meditation is supposed to be good for depression? I am just doing five minutes per day. I use an app called “Centering Prayer”. After a while, I’ll increase the time a little, but I have a hard time focusing. So for right now, five minutes is good.

Wow! Got home from the movie and had a really serious anxiety attack. Not sure what caused it. Was fine riding over and back in the car. Maybe nervous about being out of the house. Just had a small crash….took 2 Klonopin and fell asleep. So I took the correct amount of Klonopin that day…just 2 at once.

Tomorrow I have the CBT therapist at 10. Then yoga at 2. Then sushi with a friend. I am bound and determined to do it all.

Thurs:

A little worried that my 22 year old did not make it home last night. It’s six am and he frequently crashes on someone’s couch. He does DJ work at parties and is out pretty late. I called him this morning but of course he did not answer his phone. He’s probably asleep.

My CBT therapist would tell me to go through my STOPP routine which prevents me from worrying. Maybe I will do that.

I worked on the CBT instructions and it did help. And he did turn up- he texted me to say he had been asleep. I really hope this CBT is helping me. I still get really anxious.

I had a decent session with the CBT therapist. She wants me to do homework on mood and the way I think about things. She wants me to be positive and to live in the present. We talked about getting up and going places and not staying on the couch. So I drug myself to yoga today. I was glad I went. I came home from yoga and got a shower….not a bad day.

Fri:

Going out to breakfast with a friend. Have a lot to do this morning: devotionals, get dressed, do my support call, eat breakfast out, and make a tortellini and broccoli salad. I may go and get my nails done with my daughter…am not sure.

Okay, got most of the hard stuff done…am waiting on my call.

Feel slightly elevated. Don’t want to cancel things or give up.

My CBT therapist is also acting as a sort of “cheerleader”. She has gotten me to exercise. I hit a milestone of sorts in my weight loss. I plan to lose 6 pounds in July. That’s only 1.5 per week. I should be able to do that. But as many of you know, staying on a food plan is tough. So many social activities revolve around food.

So I did breakfast and my nails. I drove myself back and forth to all of this alone. Big progress! I came home and made the salad. Forgot my 9 am Klonopin so took the noon one instead. Promptly fell asleep.

Sat:

A really good day so far. Got up at six and took a 30 minute walk with my husband. Between walking and the yoga, I am doing pretty well. I have gone from no exercise to at least some. I don’t do it for my weight, I do it for depression and stress control. I feel slightly elevated even though I have nothing special to do. I might sew a little and get a shower for church tomorrow. We need to go as we have ditched for a couple of weeks. Hung out and did nothing but take a nap and listen to an audiobook. Feel less shaky today.

Been reading online about benzo withdrawal. I’m on 2 mgs of Klonopin per day. I love it…it has almost totally removed the anxiety. But I know I will have to come off quite a bit…even though I am  on a small dose. Right now, I take a .5 at 9, noon, 3, and 6. Starting tomorrow I’m going to hit for 9, 1:30, and 5. I’d like to get down to prn on the Klonopin as needed.

Sun:

Not my very best day. Decided not to go to church just because too lazy. No excuse at all other than the heat. So the news gets worse….if you’ll read yesterday’s entry I was going to reduce the Klonopin. My first couple today were going to be at 9 and 1:30. I couldn’t even wait till nine. I took it at 7:30. Blech! So now I’m not sure if I have some big addiction problem or not. I need to get down on it so I am not so sleepy and can drive more. Makes sense. But I think I better go slow as I reduce. There is a lot of stuff online about how to do it.

Tuesday is our 30th anniversary. We are going to spend a couple of nights at a nice resort in town. We could go somewhere fancier and on a longer trip but I just can’t do it right now. I like the idea of going somewhere in town. I’m riding in cars MUCH better, but it’s still easier to go in town.

Mon:

Woke up pretty early and had a hard time getting back to sleep. Decided to jiggle my Klonopin again: 1) when I wake early 2) 9:00 3) noon 4) three o’clock…none after that. This gives me four for the day which is what I have been prescribed. I am sick of worrying about the Klonopin. I feel good now…I’ll sort it out when I can.

I need to take a shower so we can get ready to go to the resort but am too lazy right now. I’ve got about three hours to do it.

Good news: I went and took the shower.

I’ll come back next week and let you know how the anniversary went.

love,

lily

 

Against the Odds

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So here I am (sort of against my will) writing my blog. I just kept a diary this week and will share with you:

So I was wondering what to do with the rest of my life. At a retreat I was at I got an answer: “Opportunity presents itself when you are just doing the day by day stuff as best you can.”

Wednesday:

Saw both psychiatrist and therapist in same day. Talked about my birthday, weight loss, and my Aunt Nancy. Aunt Nancy is my favorite aunt…the last of that generation and she just had a heart attack. It’s pretty hard. Definitely felt mild to moderately depressed.

Decided this is going to be the year of weight loss. One year from now, I’ll be looking good for that next birthday.

I’ve been using some phone apps to help me keep going: “My Net Diary” for food, “moodtracker” for mood and anxiety, “balanced” for stuff to do, and “centering prayer”. I’m doing great on my devotionals and prayers. Don’t feel much like seeing friends. Definitely some birthday depression floating around.

Thursday:

It’s my birthday and we are getting the outside of the house painted. They started at 6 am, which really wasn’t bad cause I was up anyway. The painter had me pick out colors which was intimidating because you had to like them for something like ten years.

Not much going on for my birthday…I see the CBT therapist at 3. Had some Happy Birthday texts from friends this morning. My heart just isn’t in my birthday. Did get a shower but feel definitely depressed.

Friday:

Up at 5:30 with the painters. They started working and it is looking really good. I feel okay this morning but not like really doing anything. I need to do some laundry. Also need to work on some homework for my CBT therapist. Last night I had a nice birthday. The cake was really good and my son made grilled cheese. I got some make-up brushes, lip gloss, gift certificate to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, decaf coffee K-cups, and a gift certificate for a party at the local tea room. Remember I was talking about this?

I felt a little better and did a load of laundry. Husband was taking his sister out for her birthday. I didn’t want to go. I don’t hate my SIL but she is kind of cold acting.

We’re having turkey wraps for dinner…it’s getting pretty hot here.

Saturday:

Woke up with a mild headache. Waiting on painters to come, clean up a bit, and pick up their check. I have to be honest. I didn’t think the house looked that bad to start with. But it now looks gorgeous. They did a lot of powerwashing, fixing cracks, underneath the patio ceiling, etc. It’s all terrific.

I think today I am feeling slightly elevated. Just slightly. But I am going to a movie with my friend and I do want to go. Sort of unusual for me to want to go anywhere. I also made a date for breakfast next Friday on strict orders of my doctors. They said I can’t expect the meds to do everything and I know they are right. But it is extremely frustrating to agonize over what I am doing wrong or right and banging my head against the wall. Then I simply pop a pill and feel okay. All that angst about how worthless I am, etc.

My friend called and cancelled the movie. I was sort of glad because it was SHE who cancelled and not me. We rescheduled….no big deal. I got my blue and white quilt ready to be sent off for quilting. Next project is a large Christmas quilt with some sparkly flecks in the fabric.

Sunday:

Ditched church…was too lazy to get a shower. Back to the shower thing again. Got up and did devotional…hands not so shaky.Father’s Day: having lemon pie, pizza, and watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals. For a gift for my husband we all chipped in and my older son built him a computer. I guess it runs pretty fast….my husband is thrilled.

Still worried some about daughter as she is still having headaches. Pretty sure these are tension migraine type headaches.

Monday:

Slightly elevated mood. Walking around humming which is always a good sign. Don’t have a lot to do today, may listen to an audiobook. Got all my devotionals, meditation, and mood apps done on my phone. Not sure if the elevated mood is the Rexulti or the CBT.

I am really pleased with my therapists. I feel like they are truly interested in me and have my best interests at heart. The CBT therapist is helping with the anxiety, but more importantly she is helping me have a more positive attitude. I am getting attached to both of these ladies…they feel like friends, even though I know they are being paid for their services. Both therapists are encouraging me to view myself as someone who is healthy with an “issue”…that being bipolar. I’d love to feel that way.

Started a little on my Christmas quilt.

Tuesday:

Hands are pretty shaky today and I am frustrated. Woke up with a migraine. Know this is cause by mixing Rexulti and Zoloft. Want to go back on Rexulti and Wellbutrin. Don’t see the doctor till the 5th.

Angry with myself today as I wanted to go to the gym and then to my bipolar support group. But there is no one to drive me. Husband is going to an  auction, daughter is going out, older son still at work, younger son off with friends. I have GOT to get driving again. Right now my hold up is taking too much Klonopin for anxiety. I get spacey and I need to focus on the road.

I have some good news. I invited people to the tea and have 14 people who said “yes”. I think it will be fun. I am also going to that cancelled movie tomorrow, out for sushi on Thursday, and to  breakfast on Friday. Hopefully this will all work out.

That’s it for this week. I did my duty. I wrote the blog.

love,

lily

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